3am insights

First of all don't believe the times you see on our blog. It is 3:00AM at this time. Second, thank you all of you for your comments. They make us feel like you are all here, but in reality it is great that you are not here since I don't want you looking at my wifes private parts.(This is Todd speaking) LOL



(Back to Jen)

After Todd wrote the last blog (My New Best Friend), Iwas wondering about my own credibility having had said,"Embrace the pain" and then taking the epidural. I was committed to trying my best to go without it in spite of many words of encouragement from others to do it. First, I absolutely HATE needles. Hate'em. I hate pain of any kind, really, which of course is a total contradiction of my desire to want to NOT have the epidural...so complex, so complex, I know!

I'm about to explain in another blog note what lead up to all that, but here were a couple of things the Lord shared with me about me personally...not saying this applies to anyone else, because He's a gentleman and first and foremost speaks to us about ourselves, not other people. The Lord is not a gossip! : ) But...maybe this applies to you, or maybe it will apply to you...anyway, it seems good for me to share it. So here are the insights from the Holy Spirit at 3 am:

1) The Lord was showing me how when I am offered grace or law, I still tend to choose law. I still say, "NO...I can do it!" like a 3-year old trying to prove her autonomy. Now, if anyone's watched a 3-year old trying to prove what they can and can't do...you know that sometimes you're really excited to see them try and succeed, and other times you're thinking, "oh boy...this isn't going to be good..." Right?

It can get ugly, too...you can try to help that little one, and what do they do? They pull their hands away, or swing away from you and yell, "NO!! I do!!"

That's what the Lord is showing me about myself. After years of His grace being present in my life, I still have yet to fully access it. I'm still saying, "No, Jesus...I'm gonna do this!" Why?

What do I have to prove when I'm saved by grace? Why do I still want to 'dot the i' and 'cross the t' to the letter of the Law when I've been given God's abundant and unlimited grace?? I already proved when I accepted Jesus that...that I have nothing left to prove. I have nothing that will stand up to His goodness and His love and His sacrifice. Nothing.

And who in the world am I trying to prove myself to? Jesus? You? People from my past? Probably...and to myself.

I've gotta put a stop to that. 'Cause you know what? Jesus knows what I can and can't do.

You probably know too.

Unless I fooled ya.

Probably didn't... : )

So I'm going to stop fooling myself.

I don't need to "do all that I can do"...I need to "be all that I can BE", and there's a HUGE difference in DOING and BEING. That's an insight for another time period...maybe a 4 am or 5 am insight. : ) Not right now, though. Not without a trip to Waterstreet Coffee Joint!

So, my new expression/reminder for myself is to "take the grace"...or, better yet, "GRACE OUT". Some of us grew up in environments where Perfectionism was on the throne, or People Pleasing...or Fear reigned. But those aren't my kings anymore. I gave Jesus my heart, so I have the privilege of choosing grace over anything else.

2) The other insight that came to me was directly from the Holy Spirit. He said, "Jen...I'm your epidural."

Huh?

"I'm your epidural. I'll cause you pain at first, but I'll give you a song in your heart to endure the trial. I'll walk beside you while you go through it...I'm the one who gives you the hope and strength to go on. I'll help you praise the Lord, get in God's presence, give you 'spiritual anesthesia' for the journey ahead. I'm your epidural."

Huh.

Read my entry from 4/25/09 for the rest of the story on the birth...it's connected to these insights in a profound way.

I'm not saying I'm profound...this whole experience has been beyond me and Tucker. I know the Lord was showing me many things, and continues to show me, through this experience.

Praise the Lord.